I HATE PETER AT A BIG, BULLSHIT CORPORATION

I feel like I’m a pretty fair guy, Peter. I’m willing to be patient with people on the other end of the phone that I’ve never met, not because I’m trying to grease the wheels but just because I’m a decent guy. I called because my CD-ROM drive doesn’t work. You gave me some automated bullshit, which I expected, so that’s no big deal. But when I finally spoke to someone his name was “Kevin” and not Prakesh or Raj or Samir or some perfectly acceptable Indian name you’ve made him change. I don’t blame him for the charade, and I try my best to understand his accent because I figure, hey, I don’t speak a word of his language and he’s pretty good at speaking mine, so he’s the smart one in this conversation. But you know, I’m talking to someone in India and the connection isn’t always good halfway around the world, so I lose the call. I call back and traverse the same bullshit, but now I’m talking to “Rock.” Okay, Rock, let’s do this. I try to explain how I extended the warranty and had the laptop fixed a month ago. But I can barely hear Rock because of the static, so I just have to hang up. Round three. I call and get to the last level before the boss, which is ten minutes of waiting, listening to elevator music. Then you come on the phone in your automated bullshit voice: “We are no longer going to help you at this time. Hang up.” FUCK OFF INTO OUTER SPACE! You FUCKBAG! What the fuck kind of customer service is this? I’m supposed to wait for 10 minutes, after an hour and a half of getting the runaround for you to INSTRUCT ME TO HANG UP?!! It wasn’t “we’re sorry, but we can’t help you at this time” which would have been one tiny scintilla better, but “We are no longer going to help you at this time.” I want to yank your nipples off and stuff them in your nostrils and fill your mouth with cement until you expire. But I can’t, because you’re not a real person, Peter, you’re a service offered by a very big, bullshit corporation that likes to sodomize people (metaphorically) through a very convoluted system involving intelligent, urban Indian twenty-somethings and an automated spiked vibrator service. Now I’m just going to take it somewhere else to someone who won’t be such a royal cocktease and who will just fix my damn CD-ROM drive.

-Ripped Off in Rochester

I HATE PETER THE JERK-OFF

You know what Peter? I'm tired of this. I'm fed up with you making plans to hang out with me and then choosing to either cancel, or not show up because it's raining, or you fell asleep. Fuck that. It's happened at least 4 times in the past week and you blame it on your video game. Now that you're in a relationship, I asked you why you didn't tell me and you say it's because I don't need to know everything about your life. I ask only because I'm curious and hope that just MAYBE you trust me enough to tell me about something that important. Whenever we see eachother you find some method of knocking me down, whether it be comparing me to another girl or telling me that you find me "repulsive" and even insulting what I take in school. I wonder if it's because you constantly need to find a way to verify that what you do in life is better than what I do. Now what is it that you do? You live with your parents, you have no job and yet here you are making fun of ME. You call me immature when it's you who kicks me and scratches me when I make some harmless jibe, and yet I'm supposed to suck it up and not be such a "pussy" when you take it out on me. Your logic is fucked up, way more than anyone I know and your ego is so blown out of proportion that I can't possibly think of a way to bring it down a notch. Sometimes you piss me off to such a great extent that I am actually unable to think of why I still talk to you.

I HATE PETER IN THE ROCKIES

God I hate you, Peter!! I hate you because it’s the only emotion I can have that doesn’t involve blaming myself in any way for what happened. Am I the only accepting person left on the fucking planet? Why don’t we all just go around with checklists and hand them out to one another before a word is even spoken! That way we can find out about all those little things that don’t jive with exactly every fucking thing we want out of a person right off the bat. You don’t go to concerts? Who doesn’t fucking go to concerts for Christ’s sake? You’re breaking up with me because you don’t go to fucking concerts? You couldn’t have found a shred of entertainment from the Mountain Goats, if it meant me not having to go to the concert alone? Fuck you, Peter! I don’t even know why I am upset about this! Probably because you seem to have this all figured out and somehow I’m asking too much by asking you to go to a concert. Or pick me up from the airport? That’s what people in relationships do, Peter. Being in a relationship means always having someone around that will pick you up from the fucking airport. I wish you weren’t so cool and interesting and beautiful. Maybe if you weren’t I wouldn’t have felt so inadequate around you and I wouldn’t have acted like such an idiot. You enrage me Peter. You make me want to start smoking again. At least now if I have a smoke after 2 or 10 beers I won’t be paranoid that you might detect it in the taste of my mouth the next day.

Denver Disappointment

I HATE PETER AT THE DATACENTER

Goddammit Peter! Why the hell did you have to go and change the admin password to something so ridiculously long? It's bad enough that I have to go and deal with all these pissed off self-entitled asshats but now I have to fumble with a password that is so long I'm already exhausted after entering it. I'm going to snatch that curly hair right out of your fucking head and use it to start a fire in your cube! Go choke on a Doberman's smelly cock!

Dismayed @ Datacenter

I HATE PETER WHO WORKS

Here I am applying for jobs and not getting in response back from them, Trying and trying to get any job just to bring some money into the house, O and applying to crappy jobs that I don’t even what to do... You come in the house all happy and shit telling me how happy are you at your job and all this shit I could careless about, Annoying the shit out for me.. I hate it when you call me around noon talking about the same shit you talked about yesterday as if I forget about how great your job is.. Please stop being so self centered and see that your wife is here stressing because she is trying her best to go back to work but no one wants to hire her because she has kids and have been out of work for over 2+ yrs.. Stop being a self center piece of shit or else..and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.

I HATE PETER WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE ME

Fuck you Peter. I'm so sick of you making fun of me and I'm fed up of you acting like I'm dispensible and making me feel like I don't matter at all. I don't know why I bother with you. I don't care what you think anymore because I know that whatever I say to you will fall on deaf ears.

Vexed in Vancouver

I HATE PETER IN AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL

Fuck you Peter. Fuck you and your constant self-assurance and your need to gloat. Don't tell me. Just don't. I don't care what grade you got, what work you finished, how amazing you are. Why should I? Just so I can feel worse about myself?

The sarcasm, the endless misinterpretation of everything I say, the way you laugh if I get pissed at you or if I glare. Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not joking? Because maybe, just maybe, it's not that funny? It's not all fun and games constantly pushing yourself to do as much as you possibly can, and it doesn't help when you shove your achievements in my face, and laugh when I get angry.

Irked at an Ivy League School