I HATE PETER WHO IS MY MUM

Dear Peter, I fucking hate you.

Although your (peter) my mum, sometimes i hate you because you can't see we are the same, and that all i want is you to be there like dad is for you. Because you know what? we are both the same. We both have depression whether you like it or not. Maybe it's because you feel guilty that you have passed it onto me, or maybe you just can't see that you contradict yourself everytime you try to give me tips.

'You need to eat', yes peter, but you can't say that because only the other day you wouldn't eat, and made yourself ill and sick for days effecting us all. I was the only one there for my sister and brother when you upset dad so much, i wanted to kill myself to see him hurting so much. You and him both left us went out the house. Not only that before you left you blamed me and said that 'everything isn't always about me' when i asked you to go upstairs to cry instead off effecting us downstairs as we were upset enough already. and you know what? it was then that brother and sister started to cry, because of the way you treated and spoke to me, when i was being brave and unselfish. We didn't know where you had gone or when you were coming back. I though dad had gone to kill himself, i really did. I have never felt so lost or lonely in my life. I didn't know what to do, with us three all crying being the eldest i had to be there for them, as you weren't going to. I made dinner, i went to them all individually and hugged them and were them for them till they stopped crying and smiled. I couldn't answer when they said 'what is happening', because i didn't no myself. We were scared. That effected me, and all i can see that you did to repent this is to give us all full pocket money, when i was the only one to do my jobs that week. Not only that, you really think money is the answer ?! I felt unloved and still do.

So when you both returned home you know what i did? i tried to act like you did when i was upset and down. As you sat there crying into dad's lap for hours i went in and said 'you have to stop crying, everything has passed and crying reliving it isn't going to help' and got angry with you. And dad told me off. But you know what? I realized that that is what you do to me when i get sad. You get angry with me. You make me feel guilty that i am sad. You call me selfish and tell me how much i effect everyone and that i only think about myself. When all i actually do is think about the people i effect and the people i care about. I go to my room when i'm upset so i don't make everyone else upset. Whereas you just cry all round the house. So i spoke to you about how you treat me when i am upset. and you agreed that maybe, you didn't do the right think. But did you change? NO.

So for the last few days i have been feeling very low. It's almost Christmas and i want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. And i am trying I promise you. But you know what? i can't. I just wanted you to be there today. I was in my room crying, and i couldn't stop - just like you the other day. And what do you do? you come hours after and hug me and say 'you have to stop crying'. I don't remember dad telling you that, i remember him holding you, just being there for, not ordering you. And then you say ' what more do you want me to do?' and i say 'just be there for me like dad is for you'. But instantly you say we aren't the same and it can not be compared. But you know what? i am comparing. because ITS THE SAME. Oh yes, i forget, there is a difference, you take tablets for it, you have had counselling for it. I don't feel comfortable having counselling yet because i am not confident to do it. I am much younger than you. You are 39 and me 15. You then walk out my room and leave me because i am not stopping crying. And I am left alone. Again. I then go downstairs and am about to go out on a walk when you say i can't. But actually i can. And i realize now that i do this only because that is what you do. I am copying how you got better and happier, but there is a difference. I don't have that person ready to hold me forever until i am okay. If you saw this then you could be there. But your not and can't accept this.

so now, you have just come upstairs and said that i have to have dinner which is what i said to you a week ago, and did you have it ? no. But i have to. and no i won't eat because i am not hungry. This is a visous circle and i am stuck in the middle of it. I am so confused because i have no role model and no one to get me out. I am alone. And peter, i hate you for that. I don't no what to do. Dad can't understand cause he doesn't have depression and you said yourself he doesn't understand why we want to kill ourselves. But you, you could help. But i think you are scared to. But i need you i really do.

I have to go now, but i could write so so much more, about how you leave me alone, but how i can't fight alone and i need you. This is just one reason why i hate you peter. Try to treat me like you are treated, try to help me like you are helped. You just make me feel worse and unloved. I have no one to go to. you have granny and dad. i have no one. And i cope like this. Its christmas and i just want everyone to be happy. But this Christmas, i know i won't be.

From Me - someone who cannot cope anymore but wants to.