I HATE PETER AT BARNES & NOBLE

Peter,

I’ve never wanted to choke someone more than I want to choke you. I would rather have a sack of angry bees emptied down the front of my pants than have to listen to another one of your fucking stories. The customers hate you, and I have heard from more than one of our many bosses that they wish they could fire you just for being a jackhole. Stop inviting yourself to shit, Peter. Stop inviting yourself to live at Matt’s house. He fucking hates you too. No, I will not buy liquor for you, because first of all I don’t buy Zima for anyone, Peter, okay…?...and secondly, I don’t want the basic level of goodwill such a favor would create to taint my hopefully increasingly antagonistic relationship with you… Understand, Peter? I want to hate you; it gives my life meaning. Here’s a social rule that you seem to have missed: you can’t put someone’s number in your cell phone and promise to call them later when that person hasn’t given you permission to call him. I would rather have a woman screaming into a blowhorn held up to my ear following me and stabbing my thigh with a rusty screwdriver than have to endure you constantly following me around after the store closes. You should be euthanized; it would be merciful to you and everyone who has to listen to you. You should be placed in a large sack attached to a boulder and thrown into a lake or river. You’re fat, by the way, and your lips are abnormally large and reddish for a man.

-Riled up in Rochester