I HATE PETER WHO SPOILED ME WITH LOVE LETTERS

I hate you Peter. I hate when you are like this. I hate that you spoiled me with love letters and made my expectations so high and then decided to take away everything you gave in the beginning. I hate that when you are upset everyone has to deal with it. I hate that when I am upset I am being unreasonable. I hate that when you're in a bad mood it is other peoples faults if they try to talk to you and you snap at them. I hate that you call me up to your room and are nice and then all of the sudden change you mind and literally push me out the door. I hate that I am always nice to you. I hate that I would never do that to you. I hate that I walked slowly down the stairs hoping that you would realize that you were a complete jerk and run down to catch me and apologize. I hate that you never did. I hate that I always have to call you. I hate that you don't apologize. I hate that you don't try to see things my way. I hate that you tell me you love me so that I am happy and hopeful and then the next day are distant and distracted. I hate that I am scared to seem upset around you because I don't want you to think I am being a crazy, unreasonable, clingy, neurotic bitch. I hate that you are allowed to yell at me when you are frustrated with literally anything and I can't even tell you when something you did made me cry. I hate that I am so scared of losing you. I hate that I am scared to show you my ugly side, even after you show me yours. I hate that when I try to help you when you are upset you snap at me. I hate that I am always nice and that I know you would be stupid to let me go. I hate being scared that you will anyway. I hate that you say you love me and I get scared you don't mean it. I hate that I constantly convince myself that my feelings aren't valid enough to bring up. I hate that I hate myself when I think I am being unreasonably sensitive. I hate that I hang on every word you say. I hate that my mood can be drastically changed based on yours. I hate that I feel stupid when I'm around you. I hate that you used to try to remind me that I was smart, and that you don't anymore. I hate that you used to write me letters everyday, and you don't anymore. I hate that I sometimes think I bore you. I hate that you get annoyed with me when I am not as good at music than you. I hate that you get annoyed with me when I am self conscious. I hate that you will NEVER come over to my place, even though you know it bothers me. I hate that I would move heaven and earth just to see you or make you happy and you won't even come to my place for one night to make me happy. I hate that you always order a hamburger when we are out to eat and refuse to try anything else, ever. I hate when you get drunk and moody. I hate when you invite me over and then seem totally disinterested in me. I hate when you don't talk to me. I hate that we don't laugh as much. I hate that I don't think I am funny anymore. I hate that I get scared to be silly around you. I hate that I am scared you will regret sleeping with me. I hate that I am scared you decided to sleep with me in an effort to turn around your recent "depression" or negative attitude. I hate that just because you are in a bad mood you think that gives you some right to be mean. I hate when you tell me you can't hang out because you are going to your friends place and then I find out you actually just stayed home. I hate that you say you love me and always want to be with me but it feels like you don't want me around. I hate that you used to be my best friend. I hate that I feel like we aren't anymore. I hate that I know when we go to school I am going to be so hurt when you only talk to me once a week because you are so "busy," yet you will still have time, of course, to play xbox almost every night with your friends. I hate that I would spend all my money visiting you at school and I know that, even if I asked, you wouldn't come see me because its "too far." I hate that I can't help you when you are upset. I hate that you don't want to come talk to me when you had a bad day. I hate that you don't always tell me when something is bothering you. I hate that you told me you used to worry that you didn't actually mean it after you first told me you loved me, but assure me that you do now, however there is no way I can ever be sure again because I believed you every time before, even during the apparent lies. I hate that I have always meant it. i hate that I know if you leave me you will be making a mistake. I hate that I worry you won't be. I hate that I used to be so sure. I hate that I am not sure anymore.

Signed,
Sometimes forgotten, always hopeful, in new york.