I HATE PETER WHO WAS PRETTY DAMN ARROGANT

Pete, we’ve been together for quite some time, and you know, when we first met, alarm bells did ring in my head. You were pretty damned arrogant. I put it down to you trying to be confident on the first date. Fast forward a few years and we’ve gotten married. YOU ARE A MORON. I AM A MORON FOR MARRYING YOU. Not only are you a moron, you are also immature, cruel, unintelligent, petty, controlling and have daddy issues. I hate you, your retarded hillbilly family and everything about anything to do with you. We shouldn’t have gotten married you know. Oh, PS, we won’t be married for much longer either, tard. This will come as a surprise to you, simply as you are so foolish to think that I could never leave your emotionally blackmailing vagina. You have turned me from being a nice, kindhearted guy who everyone loved to a broke idiot with no friends. You have damaged my relationship with my immediate family, have sent me broke with your insistence I pay for the entire fucking mortgage, and made me so depressed I have thought about jumping off a cliff if our city actually had any to jump off. One day in the near future I hope you will come home to a mostly empty house where I will politely inform you of the litany of retarded things you have made me do that you will not make me do anymore. I will then proceed to walk away from you singing Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons’ “Walk like a man”. No doubt I’ll be interested to see how much worse things can get in the next four or five months, but hey, I’m a resilient guy. Pete, while you’re here, check out____________and look up____________. You see this chick? I have no idea who she is, but she seems 100% awesome. See her smile? You may not pick it up, but the things beaming out of her smile are “warmth” and “kindness”. Can you see she seems genuine and doesn’t seem to have a sulky pout on her face like you do most of the time? Yeah, thats the sort of inner beauty Im looking for. She probably would get along with my family and not threaten to take their grandkids away from them as well. Sounds like a winner to me! You know why I go to work early every day? Its because I can’t stand you! You know why I encourage you to work more? It’s cause I can’t stand you! The time we spend together is like I have an anchor hanging around my neck. And not just a little anchor you’d moor a tinny to, but like the one on the aircraft carrier Nimitz. One day in the near future I will be free of your stupidity, and I will journey to Hawaii and put my wedding ring on a little remote controlled helicopter. From there, while reciting “One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them” I will plough that motherfucking chopper into the nearest volcano or lava flow taking your accursed ring of sauron with it, where it’ll be unmade in the fires of Mt Doom. Peter, you are a fucking retard – and though I may say at the end that I will miss you and we can still be friends etc, I honestly hope I live the rest of my life without hearing or seeing anything to do with you. PS: I pissed in your drink. Cheers, big ears.