What do I think when I think of you? Selfish coward. You were not honest with me when we were together, and I was a fool not to have trusted my intuition sooner. You were not ready to have a relationship, even though I was. You made me think I was paranoid and delusional, because you kept everything just above board and I had nothing tangible to prove my intuition – but all you have done is prove to me that if someone doesn’t back up what they say, then I can’t trust them. You never showed me any affection when we were with people, and that should have given me a warning sign from the very beginning, but I chose to ignore it because I thought I was in love with you. I wasn’t in love with you, I was dependant on you and I thought it was better to stay in a miserable relationship than go through the break up and face the pain of what I knew you would do to me, and that was to run back to Peter. And that’s exactly what you did. But I now realize that if you hadn’t hurt me as much as you did, then I would probably still have my rose tinted glasses on and wouldn’t have been able to move on as quickly as I have done.
Throughout the relationship you slowly reduced me to someone with no self confidence, who wasn’t able to stand up for myself and I ended up apologising just to make you happy and all because I felt I wasn’t good enough. Whether or not you meant to make me feel that way is irrelevant. But I now realize that I am better than both you and Peter combined. The way you both acted when I was lower than I could ever feel, was childish and selfish. What makes it worse is that you didn’t act that way to hurt me but you acted that way because you didn’t care. All you cared about was crawling back to Peter. You both act like selfish cowards, and I hope that you both do end up with each other, as I would feel sorry for anyone who starts a relationship with either of you. In fact, I might have pamphlets made to warn potential victims as I am sure it falls under the public safety act.
Because you are so weak and care more about what people think of you than how you make them feel, you didn’t even show me the courtesy of warning me when you knew I would be at the house. You didn’t care enough about me to even show the slightest consideration and compromise. You selfishly monopolised the friendship group so that I would have to make the compromise. I would have to re-arrange my weekends and weekdays. You reduced me to needing to ask other people when you would turn up or where you would be – just so I could avoid the sight of you. I felt like a refugee in my own friend’s house, sneaking in when you were not around. When I needed my friends the most, you selfishly made sure that you were always at their house – just so that when I would turn up you could slink into Peter’s room and make me feel uncomfortable and upset.
I hate the thought of how I embarrassed myself for someone who deserves it the least. I don’t intend to make life any easier for you by making a truce. I want you to know how much you hurt me and how much I regret ever having a relationship with you.
Luckily, there has been no long term damage to how I view men, as I am not so blind as to think that you are the rule. Most men actually do act their age, are able to stand up for themselves and do have a set of balls. And I have finally realized that I don’t have to change to make someone like me or want to be with me, that there are guys out there that want to be with me despite my rollercoaster temperament and disorganized personality. I am stubborn, but fair. I am also chaotic but positive and happy, and I am loyal despite my lack of cooking skills. And I’m too old to change even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.
And luckily you will never read this. Because I don’t care enough to tell you anymore.
Much Happier without you
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